Giving = happiness

The overriding goals of many parents, are to make sure their children are happy, loaded with self-esteem, and armed with enough achievements to dazzle a college admissions officer. Is it any wonder they look inward rather than outward?

"This intense focus on happiness is not making our children happier. It's making them less happy," says Weissbourd, a child and family psychologist who teaches at the Harvard Graduate School of Education. "If you focus on kids being empathic and tuning in to others and helping others, they're more likely to be more moral and more happy."

Many parents believe that if they bolster their children's self-esteem, the kids will logically turn out to be good people. "It's just not accurate," says Weissbourd. "If you look at the data, bullies and delinquents and gang leaders often have high self-esteem." In fact, Weissbourd contends, most parents have it exactly backward. "The evidence really points in the other direction, that if you can help children become caring and responsible people, it can develop their self-esteem," he says.